What Booking a Boudoir Shoot Taught Me About Life
So a couple months ago, I did something big. I booked a boudoir shoot to surprise my hubby for Christmas.
Over the years I’ve seen samples of boudoir shoots others have had done and LOVED them, but in my mind, it was only something that would be “ok” for me to do as my “after” when I lost a million pounds and turned into a skinny vixen.
Fast forward to a couple months ago when I saw boudoir photos of a couple beautiful voluptuous ladies I know. Suddenly the idea didn’t seem so out of reach. Still, the flow of thoughts running through my head went something like this: her boobs are perkier than mine, her ass is wayyyyyy rounder than mine, there’s no way she has as much cellulite as me….. ETC.
Fast-forward another month. I was chatting with a friend and somehow boudoir photos came up and I said I’ve contemplated them, but have never been brave enough to actually book. She replied with an excited, genuine, “You’d look soooooo good in boudoir photos!” My brain went, “REALLY?!?!?!?!?!? Me?” I’m the big girl. I don’t feel like the big girl, but years of treating my body poorly, having babies, and numbing anxiety and depression with food has turned me into a big girl. And as a big girl, one really doesn’t feel like they have permission to feel sexy. The “wrongness” of the weight and the size is always at the forefront, and sexiness is something reserved for women of a certain size.
Two days after this conversation, I saw a local photographer’s ad for Christmas boudoir sessions, complete with hair and makeup. I “thought about it” (for about 3.5 minutes… indecisive is NEVER a word you would hear to describe me, lol) and then before I had time to let my brain talk me out of it, I hit “book now”.
Then, something funny happened. I was relishing this little secret I had from my husband. I was naturally anxious at the thought of the vulnerability it would require, but the thought of being that vulnerable as a gift to him felt GOOD. The next day driving to work, my mind was filled with ideas of what I should wear, what I could wear that he’d really like, and what I could wear that made me feel powerful and sexy. It surprised me when I realized that I was REALLY excited! And, the anticipation alone was making me feel like a sexpot. I started my day feeling feminine and powerful. I wasn’t thinking about all the things that were “wrong” about my body, all I could think about was how I was going to play up the good stuff. I booked a hair appointment to get my color touched up. I thought about what colour I was going to paint my toenails, and was excited to hit up Pinterest to look for inspiration.
What this experience reminded me, is that we get to choose how we perceive life. I could have chosen to allow my fears to take over and I might never have hit that “book now” button, always waiting for “someday” when I was skinny enough/toned enough/comfortable enough. Instead, I chose to jump right outside of my comfort zone, to take a risk, and to be open to my vulnerability and the experience that would follow. I’m so, so thrilled that I chose the latter in that moment, because you know what? These experiences, the vulnerability, the risks, and the rewards, are the things that create richness in life and empower us to take other risks that allow us to live our best lives.
Today, I challenge you to look at your beautiful feminine body in a different way. I challenge you to look at yourself as you get into the shower not as “flawed”, but as just right. I challenge you to look at your wide hips and not hate them, but rather to feel joy in the fact that your partner likes to rest his hand there while you sleep and that your ass looks pretty damn good in a pair of jeans. I challenge you to look at your “soft” stomach and not wish it were flatter, but rather to feel joy in the fact that this softness is part of what makes you womanly and desirable. I challenge you to look at your body and say with me, “I am beautiful, I am feminine, and I am desirable”. Because you know what? You ARE all of those things. Our partners/lovers/spouses/one night stands desire us, and yet we are so hesitant to FEEL desirable ourselves. I want you to really FEEL it and BELIEVE it, and LEAN INTO what makes you feminine and strong and beautiful <3.
Love,
Elsa