I Promise It's Really Not that Scary Out Here
When I was a child, I was painfully shy. I was terrified of people, especially if they were older than me. I was scared to go to the washroom at school because there might be older kids in there who would look at me. Walking down the hallway at school was like pure torture if I had to leave my safe zone of the kids my age. As I got older and started to try to push past this shyness, my voice was often not received well. I felt like I always said the wrong thing in the wrong tone. What was meant to be a joke came out bitchy. More often than not, it was just easier to not say anything than to be judged or reprimanded for what came out of my mouth. I had so much to say and so much to share, but didn’t feel safe sharing it with anyone.
As I got older and moved into adulthood, working with the public gave me new confidence. Being young and trying to find myself, I got great satisfaction from saying the things that no one else would. I loved nothing more than to see someone’s jaw drop at what had just come out of my mouth. I liked the appeal that I looked like a sweet little thing, but my words were anything but. The reality is that I was still trying to figure out where I fit. I was trying to figure out my personality and figure out how to navigate this world full of PEOPLE.
I’ve cleaned up my potty talk a lot, but I still get comments like, “Why don’t you tell us what you’re really thinking (insert sarcasm),” and “You just say what the rest of us are already thinking.” I still struggle with boundaries about what’s socially acceptable “banter” and what’s too much too fast. I’m an introvert, and if you know personality tests at all, I’m an INFP. I need to get to the nitty gritty like NOW. I don’t do well with idle chit chat. I need to know what’s great and what’s not and what you’re passionate about and what you hate. I still struggle with the fact that I feel like I scare people away by being so blunt and straightforward. When I’m having a bad day, I still feel like I missed the damn memo about “how to be a normal person”.
When I’m having a good day, which is the norm nowadays, I know deep down that I was made this way for a reason. I’m no longer “scared” of people. I have distaste for people that make me feel small, but I don’t live in fear of social situations anymore. Yesterday while I was driving two hours to the closest city to run some errands, I was thinking about my voice and my words and the filter I still often forget to use when I’m worked up about something. You know what I realized? I realized that the Elsa my friends called a “loudmouth” at times in high school was given this voice and these big opinions for a reason.
I want to say what you’re thinking. I want to say what you’ve been feeling but have been too scared to say out loud. I want to be the one who throws my opinion out there free to be judged to spare you the fear of judgement. I want to speak about the unspeakables so you know you’re not the only one, and I want desperately to be able to share my pain and my excitement so that YOU can feel free to share YOURS. I want to put the best of times and the worst of times out there so the terrified child inside of you can feel a little bit safer in this big scary world.
I’m going to continue to forget my filter and to say the words that I feel really need to be said, and I hope that next time we bump into each other we can cut the crap and get straight to the dirt. I promise I’ll love you for it and that you’ll see it’s really not that scary out here ;)
Love,
Elsa