A Lesson In Being Present
It has been just about a month since my hubby and I returned from our first hot holiday since before we got married. The break was so needed and the hot Mexican sun was so renewing! What became abundantly clear to me while we were gone was that I’d been missing the message for a long time. I’ve been so focused on self-development and working through my own challenges, that I’ve all but ignored the voice inside of me screaming, “STOP!”
Actually, that’s not completely true. I’ve heard that voice over and over again and I’ve made half attempts to listen, but my heart hasn’t really been in it. I’ve “said” I was going to make changes that I’ve never made. My life had become a vicious cycle of waiting until after “next week” or “the next few weeks” or even “the next couple months” for things to slow down. I was always chasing that elusive time when magically all the things would come to a halt and I would truly be able to relax, have some calm in my life, and be able to really enjoy my days.
The reality was, the time was never coming. Nothing was ever stopping. Nothing was ever DONE. I felt like my energy was being sucked from all directions ALL THE TIME. No matter how much time I took to nurture myself through yoga, meditation, reiki, essential oils, long walks outside, or coffee dates with friends, NOTHING was really changing. I was still feeling depleted on the daily and it felt like my me-time was for naught- after every break, I felt like I was diving headfirst back into the craziness.
For a long time the craziness in my life had a purpose. I was a painfully shy child, teenager, and young adult. Social situations and real life situations like going to class and riding the bus gave me overwhelming anxiety. I lived a lot of my life in the real world being terrified of people. As life went on, I got jobs in the service industry that necessitated learning to interact with people. These jobs forced me out of my comfort zone. After finishing university and moving to a small town, I watched new friends with interest, taking notes as they spoke. Learning to make conversation and to ask the right questions to keep the conversation moving was a deliberately learned process for me and it took a long time for the process to come naturally. I started volunteering. I started meeting new people and creating new relationships. I realized I love meeting new people and connecting with people. Even though I was shy, I was GOOD with people. I had a natural desire to serve, which made me gravitate not only towards careers that necessitated service, but also to service groups in my community. My passion for service lit something up in me. And it seemed that when I was in a position of giving, it was easier to not think about my own insecurities and fears.
Fast forward to today, I continue to value a life of service. I feel very strongly that we are put on this earth for a reason and that we have a responsibility to do what we can when we can to make our communities and our world better places to be. As individuals, we have so much power to create change, in big ways and in small. Giving back is one of my biggest passions.
While we were on our hot getaway, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that we change. Life changes, the things that light us up change, and we grow. I am no longer a terrified child. I have grown and I have come into my own. On this lovely day, I am able to look at myself and my life and my past and see that I no longer desire to be someone different. I no longer have to push past my comfort zone all the time just to exist in life. I am here in this moment and it is lovely. But I must still honour that child that I was. I must still honour the truest parts of myself. And most importantly, I must learn to SERVE MYSELF. I must learn to listen to that inner voice pleading and begging with me to slow down and listen to my heart. I must learn that by serving my truest desires, I might actually have MORE capacity to give back to the causes I’m so passionate about.
What my holiday clarified for me was that I’ve been living in the future for a looooooong time. There was a time where I was racked with anxiety on a daily basis worrying about the “what if’s”- living in the future. I managed to get that under control, but replaced it with this “busy” thing, where again I’m constantly living for the future…. I’ve been living for “tomorrow”, next week, next month to start things, finish things, make appointments, and, biggest of all, to feel calm and in control of my time.
There’s a popular meme that says, “If you do what you’ve always done, you’re going to get what you’ve always had.” That sentence has been running through my mind on the steady lately, inspiring me to make some hard changes in my life: to let some things go, to let some people go, to allow myself to let some pressure go, to really be PRESENT each day. It’s easier said than done! Why do so many of us cling to these external “things” to define the days that flow together to shape our lives?
I’ve committed to not committing for a while and today I challenge you to take a look at your days. Are you living for today? Or are you constantly pushing your joy and fulfillment ahead to “one day” when things get less busy, you lose 20 pounds, you have more money, ETC.? And more importantly, what can you DO to bring yourself back to the present? Maybe you can treat yourself to that new beautiful spring outfit EVEN THOUGH you haven’t lost the 20 pounds. Maybe you can plan a special getaway for you and your spouse EVEN THOUGH you don’t have funds right now to plan your dream vacation. Maybe you can SAY NO to a commitment that doesn’t fire you up inside so you can stay home and read a book and honour your inner introvert. Maybe you can SAY YES to an impromptu wine date even though your house looks like a bomb went off. It would absolutely make my heart sing to see you say YES (or no!) to something that makes YOUR heart sing.
With love,
Elsa