Leaning Into the Icky Stuff
This past month there was a horrific bus crash close to my hometown. Many lives were lost and the ripple has been felt across the world. One of our own community members was driving the bus and lost his life. Everyone is a little "off" and there's an undercurrent of sadness throughout the whole province. Our emotions are all a little closer to the surface and we're all feeling a little (or a lot) more vulnerable than we normally are.
The other day the bus didn’t run, therefore I was late getting my daughter to school because my hubby is working nights on the log truck and my sitter doesn’t get to the house until 9. As I jumped back into my van after dropping my daughter off at school (late), I glanced at myself in the mirror and thought, “ooh, I really should make a hair appointment. I could use some more blonde!” And, because I’ve been extra aware lately of my thoughts, I instantly knew I was seeking something to distract me from the chaos of life the last few weeks. I was looking for a “quick fix” to the icky feelings inside of me. If I get fun new hair, then I can be excited about that and I can push the stress and feelings of inadequacy DOWN. The feelings won’t go AWAY. They’ll be simply put off until the next moment or day when things get crazy and they’ll come back with a vengeance stronger than ever because they’ve been sitting deep below the surface growing like weeds that just received a shower of rain.
I cut my hair shorter this past fall and I haven’t coloured it since just before I cut it all off. I’ve been going “blonder” since high school with the odd experiment of darker colours here and there. I haven’t had my “natural” colour since sometime in grade 10 and for some reason, when I cut my hair this fall, it felt like I was letting go of a weight off my shoulders. It felt like it was symbolic. I didn’t really know of WHAT (and I still don’t), but I knew it had to go. Out of curiosity, I decided to see how long I could go without colouring it, knowing that if I kept it short, each time I got a trim, I would have less and less bright blonde, and more and more of my natural medium-ish blonde.
What I’ve discovered since doing the big chop, is that my hair actually has quite a bit of curl in it and getting rid of the weight of the length brought my curls to life. As the months have passed and my natural, healthy hair has grown in, my curls are even better because my hair’s not damaged from the colour. As a result, it’s super easy to do in the mornings, I can get away with second day hair LOTS (which is totally how I roll, lol), and I feel like my look not just suits me, but it IS me. Just me. Well, me with hairspray and volumizing powder, lol. But ME.
I realize you might be thinking where on EARTH is she going with this hair crap, BUT bear with me.
I’m not the au natural type. I’m not super high maintenance, but like many things in life, I fall somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I come to town in a bunny hug and leggings looking like hell. Sometimes I look like I’m doing something REALLLLLLY important in life (which, maybe I am??). So the no-colour experiment hasn’t been so much about not putting chemicals on my scalp or thinking that I need to “look” like a free-spirited natural type (who I am endlessly envious of, but I just wasn’t created that way!), it was more about a simple curiosity about ME and what’s underneath what I’ve been CURATING. Does that make sense?
So, when I thought about getting into the chair for some blonde and immediately had the knowing that it wasn’t actually about my hair, something clicked. There’s a reason I felt like I needed to let go of my long hair and my fun blonde locks, I just couldn’t see it yet.
You see, sometimes letting go isn’t just about getting rid of the bad stuff. Sometimes it’s just creating the space for the really good stuff to come through. Today, instead of seeking a way to dull the pain of loss that's prominent in our community and our neighbouring communities, or the ache of my own feelings of inadequacy, I’m just sitting with these feelings. I’m gently and firmly reminding myself that it’s all actually ok and there will be a day in my life when I miss these chaotic days and my little kiddos and the days that often felt over-full. I’m drinking my coffee, and being tender with myself and the sadness that's lurking there, and being so grateful that the sun is shining, spring is coming, and that all the massive amounts of self-work I’ve been doing over the past 5 years has truly changed me. I’m feeling incredibly grounded and also incredibly grateful for what still is.
And also, just in case I’ve misled you, I still covet Jessica Simpson’s hair. I still want long blonde bombshell hair. And maybe someday that will be my reality (haha), but until then, I'm taking the time to just be present with what is and embrace myself and my vulnerability and to try to give myself and those around me the extra love we all need a little bit more this week.
I hope from the bottom of my little soul that if your heart is hurting this week, you will find comfort in the small things and that you can look at yourself in the mirror today and see the beauty in just you. JUST. YOU.
Love,
Elsa