What Does Self-Care Have to Do With Transformation?

This past weekend, I attended a faith-based conference by myself. The tickets came available 5ish months ago and I bought my tickets immediately. I knew I wanted to go whether there was anyone to go with me or not. I experienced a major shift after the last one I went to and I knew I needed more. The idea of trying something new on my own doesn’t scare me. Over the years I’ve learned that if I want something bad enough, I can’t wait for someone else to want it also. I can’t (and won’t) push my needs to the side to wait for someone else to take action. It’s actually something I love about myself. I love that I’m willing to venture into the unknown for my own personal and spiritual growth or to just show up for things that are really important to me.

So on Friday of last weekend, I headed to the city. Details of the event had been a little confusing so I showed up at the time my info said the event was to have started to find out that it had actually started an hour earlier. It was unnerving and I felt like I’d been left out of some sort of loop (which as it turns out, I had- there had been emails going out that I hadn’t been getting) and I HATE that feeling. Then we had to pick sessions for Friday afternoon. This was different than I’d been expecting and I was tired and I really had NO idea what I wanted to hear about. I had been anticipating just having to show up and listen and having to choose sessions threw me for another loop. The sessions were in rooms spread throughout a large complex I did NOT know my way around. Another loop. The sessions had no time cushion between them, so I missed the beginning of each of the four sessions except the last one simply because I was moving from one point in the building to another. Another loop. 

Did I mention I was still feeling extremely tired and jet lagged from our flights/trek home from Germany the weekend prior? Or that was PMSing? Or that I got stopped by the RCMP on the way and got a warning that filled me with shame like I haven’t felt in years? I’m a rule follower. It was awful, but completely my own fault. 

The culmination of all these things created the perfect environment for all kinds of icky, unhelpful (untrue) beliefs and self-doubt to bubble to the surface. I felt anxious. I was angry that I felt so out of the loop and rushed when all I wanted is to be filled with wisdom and love. I questioned why I’d come. I contemplated leaving part way through the first session. I contemplated not showing up the next day and hitting up the spa instead. I was feeling kind of miserable and very vulnerable and alone.

The voices in my head were saying things like, “you’re forgettable,” “you’re unloved,” and “you made the wrong decision coming here today.” Then these lies fed into more lies. I felt myself asking, “who am I to try to run the business I am?” “Who am I to want to share a message?” I felt shameful for even trying.

Where am I going with all this?

None of us are immune to self-doubt, feeling alone, and feeling swallowed by shame.

Years ago, a day like last Friday would have consumed me. I would have spent the whole day and the whole night and likely even a couple days to follow ruminating, obsessing over why I felt off and trying to think of five million ways to “fix” myself. It would have spiralled.

At this point in my journey, I know and care for myself enough to know to acknowledge my feelings for what they are. I hear my thoughts, I feel the icky feelings, and then I do my best to love myself through it. Friday evening I had Vietnamese food (my favourite treat when I’m traveling without my hubby because he’s not a fan!) and chose to forego all the running around I had to do and instead went back to my hotel room early, washed my face, left my laptop closed, watched a good chick flick on TV (usually I don’t even turn on the TV!), and closed my eyes by 9:30. I resisted the urge to skip out on Saturday’s events at the conference and set my alarm for 6:45 so I’d have time to grab a giant Starbucks on my way (another favourite indulgence when I’m in the city).

I didn’t wake up Saturday morning feeling like life is all rainbows and unicorns, but I got ready. I got my coffee. I got to the conference early. I invited someone to sit with me at breakfast. I met a few new faces, but still sat by myself and was ok with it. I sat with my emotions and just let myself be filled with inspiring words and music. I didn’t have any epiphanies, but I knew I was there for a reason and that all my thoughts and emotions were guiding me somewhere. Sometimes it’s the questioning that gives us the greatest insights into ourselves.

So what the heck does all of this have to do with self-care and transformation?

Well, we can’t really experience transformation within if we’re not willing to learn to nurture ourselves and take care of ourselves the way we need to be taken care of. I’ll be perfectly honest- learning to understand what you really need can hard work. We’re used to prescriptive strategies for everything, and self-care is nothing about prescriptive methods and all about listening to your intuition. There are ups and downs and, truthfully, the journey is never over. Loving yourself enough to take care of your needs is what keeps us making forward progress in the ways that really matter. I don’t know what your experience is like, but nothing I’ve ever attempted to accomplish fuelled by self-loathing has ever worked out well for me. Change inspired by self-hatred is fleeting and generally leads to decisions that don’t align with what’s really important to us. It ends up having the opposite effect of what we were originally seeking and can push us further into the pit of despair and dissatisfaction with ourselves.

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to be talking a lot about self-care: what it looks like, what it feels like, what it’s NOT, and why it’s so important.

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I’m looking forward to diving into everything self-care with you over the next month or so and hope you’ll join me!

Love,

Elsa

PS- Details for my SHE Rising 2019 event to come soon, so keep your eyes peeled!